Momisms (Part 2)

I am of the firm belief that there isn't anyone who hasn't been embarrassed by their parents, either by actions or by words, at one time or another.

Take my mom, for instance.  She mixes metaphors and analogies, misuses words and/or phrases, loses her train of thought, etc., but she is otherwise very intelligent and generally serious so much so that she doesn't get the punchline some of the time.   I've already introduced you to Momisms (Part 1), so here is a continuation of her flubs:

One day we were discussing gardening with one of our employees and the subject of fertilizing and composting came up.  Some people use horse manure, worm casings, chicken shit, vegetable waste among others.  Then my mom piped up with, "Bat iguana is supposed to be very good for the garden".  Bat iguana??  She meant "bat guano".

Heh.

Her explanation for my fast eating habit?  When I went to a boarding school for a couple of years, I developed a habit of eating quickly because of the little amount of time allotted between lining up at the dining hall, eating, having a smoke and then getting back to class or to go and spend some free time with my friends before the dreaded "study hall".  So, if someone would ask why I finished dinner long before anyone else, she'd say, "She sniffs her food".  No mom, I "inhale" my food.

Heh, heh.

This one is priceless:  The government here took a census last year.  A woman from the census came by one night but we did not hear her at the gate (one is supposed to announce their arrival here by honking their horns) so she left a note to call her at her office.  The following night, mom called and answered the census questionnaire over the phone.  When asked about my educational details, mom told her that I graduated "phi-beta-kappa".  Rolling my eyes and cackling,  I quickly corrected her:  "It's summa cum laude".

Bwhahahaha!

Yes, she reads this blog.

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Note:  While reviewing my article history, I discovered that my "Bloggaversary" was three days ago.  I know, I'm three days late -  again.  I'm going to have to start setting my calendar ahead three days (I used to set my watch ahead 20 minutes because I was always 10 minutes late).  Anyway,  I also discovered that I had not posted this even though I wrote it almost a year ago.  I don't know why.

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Foot-In-Mouth Disease (Update)

Just an update on the continuing saga of our power situation.  You can read Foot-In-Mouth Disease and Foot-In-Mouth Disease (Size 22) for the history of this debacle.

This past Monday we received our April-May electricity bill.  It was $807.24 (BSD or USD - the currency trades at par here), which equates to about $1,500.00 Canadian.  The fuel charge part of this bill (which includes the additional surcharge referred to in the earlier post), was more than half of the total billing.

$807.24??  Granted, the charges were estimated, but definitely not based on the history of our consumption.  The estimated reading date was May 11.  We received the bill on May 17.

My mother was totally irate.  Like the dutiful daughter I am, I go and read the meter.  This being 6 days later, it showed a reading that was about 1000 kilowatt hours less than the estimated one.  Now, to figure out what the overcharge would be, one would need a math genius, a supercomputer and an algorithm even Einstein probably couldn't decipher.  Nah, I'm just to lazy to do the math, but the bills are insanely structured.

Moms went even further and called a reporter at the local newspaper, The Freeport News who was very interested in our story.  She listened to our concerns and complaints.  After collecting copy of the bill and photos of the meter a short article appeared in Wednesday's paper.  It wasn't the headliner, but it did appear on the front page.

Upon complaining to the power company, it admitted it did not estimate the bill based on our usage history and adjusted the bill to reflect the reading of May 17.  The new total:  $359.24.

I can't wait to see next month's bill.

Yes, She Reads This Blog - Momisms (Part 1)

I've read in several blogs and comments where some people are reluctant to tell their friends, family and co-workers, etc. about their blog for various reasons. I would have to agree with some of those reasons. Having an online journal imparts writers the freedom to say whatever they want and, in some cases, gives them the anonymity they wish to enjoy should they ever malign write about their friends, family, etc.

But unlike some relatives, my mom enjoys reading my blog.  She also reads many of the others that I follow and thinks one person is "totally nuts" - but in a good way.   I even have her proofread some of my stuff for errors (usually grammatical) or for some other constructive criticism.

Sorry about your luck mom, you won't be proofreading this one.

My mother's "Momisms" include, but are not limited to, the comments, words, expressions, questions, mixed metaphors, etc. that escape her lips from time to time.  And since I'm in a sharing mood:

We were having some problems with our Internet provider and their e-mail services wherein we were not able to send or receive.  The IP tech said they would look into it and gave us an alternate DNS Server number that would circumvent the issue in the meantime.  I was experiencing the same problem just recently and was cursing aloud that I couldn't even get connected to the net.  She said, "Try using that other DNA number".   There are times I wish we didn't share the same DNA:  this was one of those times.

I don't know if it's her age or the fact she has too much shit in her ears, but she's going deaf.  I, on the other hand, can hear a Palmetto bug fart in the next room.  Occasionally I make stir-fry for dinner with either rice or Thai noodles, so I opted for the noodles the other night.  She complemented me on the dinner, for which I  thanked her, but I pointed out, "I think I overcooked the Thai noodles", to which she responded, "There are pine needles in this??".

The thermometer incident (no, it's not what you may think):  I finally went out and bought a digital thermometer.  Whoever invented those mercury-type ones should have one stuck in his eye.  "Yeah,  I'll bet you can read it NOW, asshole".  At any rate, I mentioned that I had bought a DIGITAL thermometer that day.  She asked, "What does it read out?".  WTF??  I had no idea what she was asking.  I thought about it for a few seconds and I was still confused.  Did she mean the temperature, the digits, the language, does it speak to you?  The only response I had was, "Um...Chinese?", or something to that effect.  Granted, she has been living here for about 15 years so I could blame it on a Bahamianism, but I don't know - I'm still scratching my head at that one.

I would be remiss if I didn't share one of my own flubs: We were talking about broccoli one night and the fact that she doesn't like how the florets 'feel' in certain dishes. I like broccoli and try to prepare dishes that would be to her liking, so she mentioned that there was a soup recipe that I might try sometime. I asked if it was a cold soup like "gestapo": what I meant was "gazpacho".  Apparently it IS in the DNA.

Going back to my opening paragraph, my mom, evidently, did not read those posts and comments about  'sharing' their blogs with relatives and the like:  She e-mailed a link to to my blog to (OMG!) my uncle,  and a couple of other people.  In the reference line of the e-mail she wrote, " RE:  (myrealname's)  BLO".


Apparently I "BLO".

Foot-in-Mouth Disease (Size 22)

Yeah,  I know it should say, "Part 2", but I'm talking about a foot, after all.

As a short follow-up to my last post, the power company made the following statements and/or assertions in the last couple of days (this is according to the local newspaper):

• (Friday):   After its apologizes for the inconveniences, it said the same inconveniences were "expected to continue into next week."
• (Saturday):  It was reported that the problems were fixed,  regular service had been restored and that no one should experience any further inconveniences.
• (Monday - we don't get a Sunday paper):  A notice is published to advise its customers their "fuel surcharge for the month of May" would be considerably higher.  WTF? Three days of questionable power supply equates to an entire month?  And since it isn't burning fuel to supply power, again, WTF?
• (Monday, again):  It admitted that it wasn't so quite up-and-running as previously claimed,  but it was going to rotate the inconveniences to randomly inconvenience those who weren't already inconvenienced.

It's now Tuesday.  It was just after 7 p.m. when one of these inconveniences was bestowed upon us. This time Bionic Bob advised us in a  pre-recorded message that we would be without power for about 2 to 4 hours (in other words, "until it reach").

Because of Hurricane Frances, we bought a generator - I just hope we have enough fuel on hand.

Foot-in-Mouth Disease

I think we've all been there, done that, etc.

I'll try to keep this short, but I really couldn't wait to post this:

For the past few days, we've been experiencing power outages all over the island.  It's been as hot as Hades here recently,  unusual for May,  which does nothing to alleviate the growing anger at the power company.

At the onset of this dilemma, we, like many others, called the customer service department (ad nauseum) to ascertain when power would be restored.  They first started out with some cock-'n-bull story about,   "dumping loads".  No shit! (and pun definitely intended).  Eventually, they got 'Bionic Betty' (my term for those automated answering systems) to spew out some pre-recorded excuse for the lack of service:

"Please accept our apologies but we are experiencing some technical and mechanical difficulties at this time.  We are working on restoring the power to your area as quickly as possible.  The Grand Bahama Power Company wishes to thank you for conserving power."

"...conserving power."  Really??   Like we have a choice?!?!?

Oy vey.

So, yesterday they had two articles in our one and only local newspaper (The Freeport News) about the power situation.  One of the articles quotes the Chief of the power company remarking, among other things, this gem:

"We apologize for any inconvenience that this is causing our customers.  We are trying to spread out the inconvenience as much as possible."

Really!  I shit you not!