Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Dozo Zone

Imagine, if you will, a house situated in a quiet neighbourhood, in which lives three occupants:  a woman, her husband and her daughter from a previous marriage.

During the time they live in Scarborough, every Sunday without fail, the stepfather complains about the numerous cars parked on the other side of the street in front of their house.

Their next door neighbour is of Some Religious Order who, with his congregation, holds Sunday services in his home, hence the volume of vehicles clogging up the road.

The stepfather, a highly intelligent man of questionable veracity, is always wanting to be the centre of attention. He fabricates stories and complains about anything just so someone will, at the very least, tell him to "shut the fuck up".  As long as he is acknowledged, the manner in which it is expressed isn't important to him.

One particular Sunday unfolds as follows:

The Players:
Antagonist: The stepfather. A lawyer with a diabolical sense of humour and a dubious storyteller, has an annoying need for constant recognition. He knows how to push buttons. He knows how to push your buttons. He pushes the buttons of the daughter too far this one morning. We will call him Satan.

The Extra: The mom. She is too involved in her newspaper to acknowledge anything worthy of her attention. Really, she doesn't care. She does this on purpose. She knows Satan too well. We will call her Mom.

Protagonist:  The daughter.  She is not a morning person by any means, especially after a late night, and doesn't engage in any meaningful conversation before her first cup of coffee. She is slightly hung over this morning.  She has a short temper. Unlike Mom, the daughter has yet to develop the skills necessary to ignore Satan. We will call her The Idiot.

The Scene:
Sunday morning: Two family members are drinking coffee, Mom is at the table reading the Sunday paper, Satan is skulking around from room to room, also reading the paper and babbling on about something or other every time he enters the kitchen. Sometimes he just babbles to himself while he wanders about. We attribute this to attention-seeking behaviour or a symptom of schizophrenia.

Enter The Idiot wearing a ratty twelve year old, hospital-issued, knee-length terrycloth robe that is fraying around the edges and which is sporting soon-to-become embarrassingly situated holes in the chest area. The robe is flagged for the rag bag.

The Story:
"M'rnin'", mumbles The Idiot, stumbling into the kitchen.  “Morning”, replies Mom who doesn’t look up from her paper.

Satan is off in some other room.

The Idiot gets her coffee, sits down at the table and grabs a section of the paper already discarded by the other two.

"Oh my God!”, loudly exclaims Satan from somewhere near the foyer. “There are cars everywhere!", referring to the congregation's vehicles. Mom is oblivious to the statement. The Idiot, annoyed at being distracted from her reading, rolls her eyes.

Satan enters the kitchen. "They've blocked off the entire street!", complains Satan, again, in case nobody heard it mere seconds ago. "Whatever", says The Idiot, irked and uninterested.

Satan shuffles in and out of the kitchen for the next half hour, breaking the periodic silence with his verbal diarrhea about the Blue Jays' recent loss, the exchange rate of the Yen, or the climatic conditions currently plaguing the penguins in Antarctica.   Sometimes he just makes nasal honking noises.  This continues off and on, annoying The Idiot who is still trying to enjoy a morning coffee and newspaper despite her hangover. Satan has become aware of The Idiot’s post-inebriated condition.

About ten minutes later, the random ramblings return to the parking situation.  "Oh my God! They have not only taken over the street, but they have taken over our driveway!", rants Satan.

The Idiot, who has not even been able to finish the article she originally started to read when she first picked up the paper, erupts with rage and stomps to the front door, certain that Satan is spewing lies. To her surprise, there is a strange car parked in the driveway right behind Satan's car. From the rear-view mirror hangs an icon of Jesus. Satan is Jewish, but the family is not religious.

Fueled by Satan's accusations and innuendo, not to mention the dangling pious figure, The Idiot believes the car belongs to one of the members visiting next door. She flings the front door open in anger - anger not so much intended for the car owner, but toward Satan who has really pissed her off to no end - and traipses barefoot across the lawn with disheveled hair and tattered holey robe, and knocks on the neighbours' door.

Dressed in his Sunday's finest, the neighbour answers the door.  "Does that car possibly belong to one of your members?", asks The Idiot, pointing to the mysterious vehicle in her driveway. The man, shocked and confused at The Idiot's appearance, cautiously ventures out of his house to take a look.  Before he can utter a word, two people emerge from the far side of The Idiot's house.  She immediately recognizes them.  Retrieving her jaw from the ground and thinking that any explanation, at this point, would sound more ridiculous than she looks, The Idiot apologizes profusely to the neighbour.  Unceremoniously, The Idiot retraces her steps back to her house, seething in anger and mutters to herself, "I AM going to kill him", and greets the unexpected visitors very red faced.

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We had  moved into the house in Scarborough about three months earlier. The surprise visitors decided to take a peek around the grounds before they announced their arrival.  It was their car in the driveway.  I was extremely embarrassed. Yes, I  wanted to shoot myself.  But not before I shot Satan.

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Note to readers: The preceding post was NOT intended to offend any fathers on this, their honoured day. Because this story co-incidentally happened on a Sunday, I decided to post it today. But, to all of you dads out there:

Happy Father's Day!


  1. An absolute RIOT! Thanks for the LOLs

  2. You can have my live-in father-in-law. Cheap. In fact, I'll pay shipping and handling (dead freight is less costly than live, right?)

    In any event, I'm sure he and Satan would get along.

    Funny post. And I'll take your "Happy Father's Day" greeting with thanks.

  3. RA: Heh heh. Enough years have passed that I can now laugh at myself for that one. Your welcome for the giggles, and thanks for dropping in!

  4. Frank: Now, now Frank, although he is dead, he is, after all, your beloved's daddy. It's gotta be a first class ticket all the way.

    Alas, my stepfather has since passed - almost five years ago - so he wouldn't be up for much conversation with your father-out-law. My post was intentional, as a tribute to him. I'm sure he's laughing at me, yet again.

    Once again, a Happy Father's Day to you and also to your wife's dad.

  5. I pictured you as Mum, but you were Idiot all along! I was smiling at the word pictures all through. Great stuff.

  6. Reffie: It wasn't the first time, nor the last time, I fell for his shenannigans. I am so blonde.

  7. Stafford: Yes, I am an idiot. Heh, heh. Glad you enjoyed it!

  8. A fellow "Scarbra" dweller! I lived near Pharmacy and St. Clair. My Dad used to take me to the Golden Mile movie theatre. That was a great story 00dozo. I really enjoyed it! Funny some of the things we did when we were younger. Hell, I don't know about you but I'm still doing them from time to time.

  9. Thanks dufus!! I mostly grew up in North York, but we moved to Scarberia when I was in my early twenties (yeah, I know, still livin' with the parents, oy), and worked in "Asiancourt". I used to joke that, if I had a dick, I could piss into Pickering - that's how far east we were.

    "Dorkdale" (Yorkdale) theatre was my local haunt - that's when movies played for months at a time. I think I remember every line in "Blazing Saddles".

    Ha! The memories of early childhood! It's always fun to be a kid again - it'll keep you sane!

  10. OMG I laughed so loud and so hard ...your piece is too funny and hit a little close to home in some places...oh hahah Please write more!

  11. kathe: I'm not much for public displays or disclosures of embarrassment, but I'll see what I can do. "...hit a little close to home ...". Care to join me??

  12. Oh you little Step Dotter Of Satan, this is hysterical!

  13. Hey Linda: Heh heh - "dotter" - you slay me.